Dennise's Piece

Dennise Hayes                                                                                                                                                                  June 7, 2012

                                                                        “The Eulogy- Finally at Peace?”

On September 30^th, 2011, a bright, sunny, fall morning around 10 AM, traffic was coming and going through downtown Nashua; just a normal business day. Other cars were slowly pulling up to the Davis Funeral Home looking for a parking spot and receiving a small magnetic purple flag to attach to the car. Small groups of people were getting out of their vehicles and pausing for a few minutes to soak up some of the warming sun before walking into the dark, cool parlor of the funeral home for the service. This coming together of family and friends is to say goodbye to their sister, aunt, close friend and acquaintances. Inside the somber foyer people are gathering waiting to take their seats. The pastor is standing near the podium welcoming the family from the other side of the room as they walk by the casket to say some goodbyes and I’ll miss yous. U2 music is playing softly as people take their seats. My sister and I are sitting in the front row near the podium with our significant others behind us rubbing or patting our backs, soothing our soles.

The pastor wants to begin. The murmuring stops. The music stops and the prayer begins. She explains why we are gathered here today and after the prayer another U2 song begins. I looked around and some people were smiling, some mouthing the words and some just had bowed heads taking in the melody and words. This day was to remember my sister, Johnna Lynn Tieff, born June 10^th, 1963 and passed away on September 19^th, 2012 at the age of forty-eight years old. She was a single lass, who recently began dating an old friend from school who lives in New Jersey but was sitting in the front row with us today. That was why her sudden death was so confusing and sad to us. However, her last thirty something years have only been torment and sorrow. Even when there were happy moments for her, she could not be content. She just never felt she would ever fit in the world, so she left it.

After the song, the pastor offered another prayer and then introduced me.  I took a deep breath and stood up.  My supportive sister and I took four long steps to the podium turn to the audience and thanked them for being here.  I turn towards my sister and begin our goodbye.

Johnna,

I just want to say that I love you with all my heart. With six kids in our family growing up and me being the oldest, I always felt like a Mom to you. The summers we shared I always took you and Dodi to the Walter’s Park Community Pool, and when I had my part-time job I remember one time buying you and Dodi really cute bathing suits. Yours was green, one of your favorite colors. The two of you were always with me.

When your Dad and our Mom separated and Mom moved to NH; I really did become the mom, but at 16 it was just too much for me and I left too. Your Dad met Mary and she became your mother figure. I am not so sure those were the best times and when you turned eighteen, I wanted you and Dodi to come to New Hampshire  to live with Doug and I and you did. You found a home in NH.

During your time in NH, that is when we learned about the demon that you would continue to suffer with all the rest of your life (manic depression/bi-polar and anxiety).  For much of your adult life, alcohol seemed to suppress this demon but then it became another. These caused a few brushes with the law, many broken and dysfunctional relationships, your loss of license, and family alienation. You were gone from our lives for many years. Then ten years ago, you lost your best friend; our sister Raye Ann to those same demons you have been struggling with. This hit you hard and probably set you back further into that demon world. You continued this path and we would only occasionally see you because Mom did not want to be around you when you were “like that” and Doug and I started raising our family and we did not want our children to see you like that either. I still loved you, but my life was now consumed with my other family.

Then almost three years ago, Mom suffered a stroke and passed away. While at the hospital we learned that a week before, you had also been in the hospital ICU recovering from a suicide attempt. After we buried Mom, Doug and I made a commitment to get to know you better and to learn more about your illness and to help you to keep those demons at bay. You kept telling us that we did not understand. It was not easy.  There were more attempts to leave this Earth, hospitalizations, counseling sessions and family meetings. At the Greater Nashua Mental Health Center, is where we met your social worker, Heather Wheeler. She was your guardian angel. We know she meant more to you than just a mental health person. She was a friend, a mentor, someone you did not want to disappoint. We know also, that you were more than just a client  to her. We love you Heather and thanks for all you did for Johnna and Dr. Yadotti and Mary Super too!

You were getting sober; a few breaks; but for the most part clean and sober. You attended meetings, kept your mental health and medical appointments, and after twenty years you got your driver’s license back and we gave you Mom’s car so you no longer have to walk everywhere. You and I started going to weekly movies of your choice at the Chunky’s Theatre because you wanted family time. We would go out to dinner or lunch and have time to talk. You shared with me a few things you never shared with other family members. You talked about your illness and how you wished you never had it. Why was it me? You always said you wanted to be normal and that it was so hard living like this. We know you fought a hard fight to stay here with us and fight that demon, but it was too hard for you. Even when you reconnected with a lifelong friend, Mike Stout, and you two reunited. You were happy and in love for the first time in years. Your counselors and family cautiously supported you. We were happy you took risks taking the bus to New Jersey for visits to see Mike. In these past four months our talks were about good decisions and choices you made and we were proud of that.

We know you were not happy a few weeks ago when you did not come to Rick and Jennifer’s party, but you said I am not a crowd person and I do not want to be around people drinking. Two days later on September 12^th, we invited you to come out with the family to celebrate Jennifer’s birthday and to come over and meet your great nephews, Chase and Wyatt. At first you said no, then later called me and changed your mind and said yes. You did not want to dress up, you were going to wearing jeans, but when you showed up, you were all dressed up and looked great, short hair and all! At least it was not the Cinead O’Connor look like in the past. You sat down and we put two baby boys in your lap. You were the happiest I had seen you. You even grabbed a bottle and fed Chase. Jen was not feeling well so we stayed home and ordered Mexican take-out. You ate every bite. Rick’s friend Dan took you home hours later with a promise to catch a movie the following week after the kids left.

We never got to see that movie, the kids never got to say good-bye to their aunt, no one got to say good-bye……You did leave a message and said good-bye that left us all with saddened hearts. Nowwe are here to say good-bye to you. I realize now the hell you endured here on Earth Johnna, and I know our God has brought you up to heaven with him and that you will finally have your peace.

Love,

Dennise

My sister and I left the podium and walked back to our seats. I could not believe I actually spoke to a crowd of people without a nervous stomach, a dry mouth, or crying. I guess I just knew that this had to be said and as the matriarch, I took control and did it. The service ended with one last U2 song and people filed out of the funeral home after passing the casket and saying their last goodbyes. After everyone left, the family and Mike helped close the casket and other family members took the casket out to the hearse and we left for the cemetery. We drove by Johnna’s apartment building on the way to the cemetery. After a short, sweet prayer and sharing by friends and family, we left, after again sharing some warm sunshine.

As I reflect on the past three years I had spent reacquainting myself with my younger sister, I do not cry thinking about her, I do miss her, but what I truly feel is peace. She was really suffering with her disease and I think she truly felt if she could not be here with us in a normal way, and she understood that she could not, then it was better to meet her maker and I believe she is. I have not visited the cemetery since we left her there to be buried next to my Mom, but there is not a day that goes by that I have not thought about her. Her forty-ninth birthday is coming in a few days. I do wonder what she will be doing up there. Good-bye Johnna, I promise I will see you again someday, but for now, I have chosen to continue my life such as it is.